Surrender

Regular readers of my notes might have noticed that I have a little trouble being okay with wasting time. Ever since having kids, my time anxiety has driven me to look at every week as a puzzle to be solved. What is the most optimal way to cram all the pieces in?

It’s hard for me to recall too many times in the last five years when I had truly rested, apart from when I was knocked flat out by illness and was literally incapable of doing anything. It’s not like I’m productive 24 hours a day, but my “leisure” activities are hardly a rest. I like watching a show at night with Andy, but I have a terrible habit of dual screening, which is not restful. Scroll breaks on my phone are not resting.

I caught an absolute nightmare of a stomach virus two weeks ago, and it broke something within me. I mentally threw my hands up and said, “Fine! I give up!“. No trying to check off all my habits. No morning routine. No bullet journaling. No trying to meet my weekly goals. No trying to move towards my “higher self”. I’m just going to do what I must for my day job and my family, and the rest of the time, do whatever I feel like.

At the moment, “do whatever I feel like” looks like reading books. As a child, I was a prolific fiction reader, but I stopped when I went to college. Recently, I received a Kindle Unlimited subscription with my new Kindle. I like to read the twisty thriller books on Unlimited and attempt to guess the twists before they are revealed. They aren’t the most sophisticated, well-written books, but they are entertaining! I’ve read three entire books in a week and a half!

One thing I’ve noticed since I’ve been reading my thrillers is how unappealing social media is when I check it. I have Twitter, Mastodon, and Bluesky accounts. And none of them are doing it for me right now.

A downside to fully leaning into reading for fun means I haven’t been doing my daily writing practice. And so, nothing is published here. As much as I’ve loved embracing my reading rest time, I do think I’ll have to find a way back to balancing my book reading with other more productive activities, including writing.